Transformers : Age of Extinction

The buddy of mine who I drag with me to see most of the terrible movies that I review says that he will never see another Michael Bay movie again under any circumstances. And considering the fact that 60% of the movies we've seen this year are almost unwatchable, I think that's pretty ridiculous. Off the top of my head I can think of at least three directors that are far worse than the Bay: Rob Reiner, McG, and whoever directed The  Scorpion King. I know that Reiner made the Princess Bride and Chuck Russell (Scorpion King) made the Eraser but neither of those movies are as fresh as Bad Boys or The Rock. Look, it's easy to see that Bay is a total hack but you cannot say that he doesn't give you your monies worth. All of his movies are full of hot women, explosions, and mass destruction; and just when you think he cant get any more over the top, he throws a flying Autobot through The Sears Tower in slow motion just because he can. I mean come on, the only real complaint you can have here is that he took away the obligatory Jerry Bruckheimer guitar solos that he always used to play over these awesome scenes (see any pre 1997 Bruckheimer film).

Again, I want to reiterate the fact that I think that Bay is a total hack and that he does indeed suck as a director but I cannot help but see his movies in the theater as they are the perfect example of what you want in a summertime popcorn flick. If you want mindless entertainment, he's your man. The first Transformers served as a weed out course for those with above average intelligence; meaning that if you actually paid to see the second one then you were just the idiots that they were targeting in the first place (raising my hand). The technology wasn't quite there to properly show how these robots transform but now that it is, it's actually kind of cool to see them undergo their change. It's exactly what you expected from a live action Transformers movie as a kid, and I'm sad to say that Bay was the one who brought that dream to life. The problem is, he's Michael Bay and he is in love with himself and his achievements, so he makes all of his movies way too long. The poor kids who were crazy excited to see this movie at the start were all borderline comatose by the two hour mark of the movie; so keep that in mind when taking your little ones to see it.

The plot? Haa! How dare you ask for a plot in a Bay movie! They start the movie off with all of these signs that read "Remember Chicago: Report any Alien Activity". How cute, he thinks that people actually remember what happened in his previous forgettable films. He should start each sequel like a weekly television show; "last time on the idiot's vision of Transformers..." In this installment they replace Shia Ladouche with struggling inventor Cade Yaeger (Marky Mark). Now I'm not the biggest fan of Marky Mark but he certainly does bring an upgrade in regards to acting chops and screen presence when compared to the Ladouche. He's funny as the overprotective father of his daughter Tessa (Nicola Peltz) who is secretly dating an Irish professional car racer in Shane (Jack Reynor). Even though she's a stick figure(iron board backside, straight up straight down) she's definitely easy on the eyes; and Reynor is just simply awful as he is supposed to be Irish but his accent is a dead on impression of an Australian.

Again, you're not here for the acting, or the plot really, but let me try and explain it to you anyway. Cade picks up an old broken down truck from a random collector and while working on it discovers that it used to be a Transformer. The CIA catches wind of the fact that he has indeed found Optimus Prime and are willing to kill him and his daughter in order to capture Prime because the corrupt head of the CIA (Kelsey Grammer) has a deal with a mysterious alien robot. This mystery robot may or may not also be linked to the extinction of dinosaurs on our planet but we'll deal with that later. Grammer is also working with a technology development corporation that is using old alien parts from the previous wars between the Autobots and Decepticons to devise a way to create their own Transformers that they can control. As you can imagine, something goes horribly wrong during the developmental stages and once again Earth is caught in the middle of a war between random aliens and robots.

By far the coolest part of the movie is when the robot dinosaurs finally show up; its just that you have to either still be awake or even interested in the movie at that point because it's soooo long! Bay actually does some cool things with them that I wont ruin for you here. Also every fight scene is entertaining as they spare no expense when it comes to destroying city after city. And each scene somehow out does the next; to the point that you think that Bay can't possibly get any louder or bigger in this movie. But it's like you can read his mind as the movie goes on "Now what can I do? Oh yeah throw a large oil tanker in the middle of flying debris!" Thankfully he dispenses with the racist jokes this go round and for the most part stays away from his lame attempts at character development. But he does stick with his usual formula of shamelessly plugging his sponsors in the movie. I will let you laugh at these on your own but just know that the characters think that the latest models that GM has to offer are the coolest things ever!

It's way too long and a bit too douchey to be fresh but I did like it. I rate this movie as barely WEAK, and that's a tough rating for me since he did sneak in some random kung fu at the end of the movie. It's like he was reading MY mind.