Maleficent

Recently there have been many moments in my life that have reminded me of the fact that I'm 84 years old. One of which is the fact that it seems like everyone that is on that stupid Tinder app is 23 or younger! Hell, even I automatically swipe left without looking at their picture when I see a woman my own age on there; notice how I didn't say "after I read their bio" because really, who does that? Anyway that's another story for another time. The most recent incident is when I went to see Maleficent starring Angelina Jolie. I remember the days when she was cast as Lara Croft in those awful Tomb Raider movies simply because she looked exactly like her; a rather buxom beauty that had the power to make you sit in a dark room for hours at a time. It's funny how some of the other definitions of buxom is 'to be obsolete' or 'to offer little resistance'; as that is the perfect definition of her and her figure today. 

I wont make fun of the fact that we can no longer take pleasure in her rather ample sized chest area, for the simple fact that she had a mastectomy to possibly save her life, and I fully respect that. Who cares about some borderline creep like me who wants to drool over a glorious D cup that I will never actually get to see in person? But what I will harp on is the fact that she's become like every other actress in Hollywood and that is a skinny waif of her former self. She looks so sickly that it was overly distracting for the first third of the film, so much so that I missed out on the cool dragon like creatures that were wreaking havoc during one of the fight scenes because all I could focus on was the Skeletor with wings! The younger generation can watch and enjoy the entire film because all they've ever known is the Skeletor with 30 random kids in her home but me, all I want is the crazy Jolie that has sex with old men like Billy Bob Thorton. Yes, I secretly hope that she will once again live out her daddy issues through me.

Anyway, for us old folks, once you get past the shock of the sickly looking Jolie you will actually be able to enjoy what is a pretty good take on a classic fairy tale. Maleficent gives you a deeper look into the background of the evil fairy that put a curse on Princess Aurora. You see the younger versions of both her and Stefan; one an inhabitant of the land of Moors and the other (Stefan) is from the land of the humans. There is peace at the time between the two lands but they are very different people; the humans are greedy and ambitious and this requires them to have a king. Whereas the land of the Moors is full of creatures that trust one another and require no leader because they are full of joy and happiness. Once Maleficent and Stefan meet one another, they instantly fall in love, but it isn't long before Stefan's desire to rule the kingdom takes over and he betrays Maleficent.

She grows bitter and angry and decides to get even with him on the day of celebration for his newborn baby Aurora. She puts a curse on her that on her sixteenth birthday she will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel; putting her in a deep sleep, only to be awaken by the kiss of true love. You know how the rest goes, and for a while it actually follows the old story, that is until Maleficent decides to keep an eye on the young Aurora and eventually begins to form a relationship with her. And it isn't until the day of her sixteenth birthday where things come to a head and the ultimate battle between the Moors and the humans takes place; putting poor Aurora in between a world that she has grown to know and love and world that she barely knows but is naturally drawn to.

I glossed over some of the major changes they made to the plot because I want for you to experience them on your own. I thought they were pretty cool and worked for the most part. For a PG movie I thought the action was entertaining enough to satisfy my blood thirty palate and there were some cool looking creatures in it as well. I am cheap, so I saw it in 2D but it definitely looked like it would have been cool to see in its 3D format. The playful jokes between the three fairies and the mud fights between the frogs and Maleficent will keep your kids giggling, as will Diaval (Maleficent's raven) with his constant complaining.

For the first time in a while, there is a live action kids film that really does have something in it for every age. It seems however that the story was written by some older men and women who are still single and suffering from the dating scene in LA. It warns young boys that their selfish ambitions and needs can lead them to overlook what's truly important to them and that's the women in their life. And by overlooking and using them to get what they want, this can lead to some pretty angry and vindictive women that will hate men for the rest of their lives. But let me caution women that this movie also implies that simply having a child or essentially stealing someone else's will make everything right with the world again! Just stop it please! I've seen Raising Arizona; I know how that story ends.

I rate this movie as FRESH and suggest that you check it out.