Speaking of hipsters, I know that they are all sighing in disgust over this piece mainly because it will encourage even more people to move down here, and it will also draw even more attention to the aforementioned festivals. They love to complain about these by the way; completely forgetting the fact that these festivals are what drew them to move to this city in the first place. But it is what it is, Austin seemingly has a festival every two weeks. So if you show me a person who is bored in this town, then I will show you a terrible person.
I will start things off with the Moontower kickoff show featuring Aziz Ansari which took place Friday night. I think everyone in the building was excited with anticipation for what was to come this week. There was a lot of energy in the air as Aziz came out wearing a suit that had to be designed by Hugh Hefner himself. His show was great as it was mainly focused on relationships and how our modern age has basically killed them; which is totally relevant in this town with its "I can replace you with someone else tonight" mentality. But seriously, with the suit he was wearing, I think we were all waiting for him to pop a Viagra and invite about 20 Playboy bunnies on stage with him. I particularly felt sorry for my buddy whose ex girlfriend briefly dated Aziz. I guess he can look at it one of two ways; she thought that my friend was so inadequate that she felt a 4'2" Muppet would better serve her needs. Or he can look at it from this point of view; he was so awesome that she could only replace him with a world famous superstar comedian that hangs out with Kanye. I hope he decides to go with the latter and in the process keeps all sharp objects away from himself. Then there was Tuesday night and Hannibal Burress.
Hannibal was performing at The Paramount Theater, an old converted movie theater that allows you to drink as they show classic movies along with comedy and musical acts. Hannibal was usual self, rhyming about chicken dicks and stabbing bitches, which of course had us all rolling in the aisles while also making sure we knew where the nearest exit signs were. It's amazing that a black man can get on stage and scream about stabbing a woman and no one calls security. Look at how far we've come America? I had to pass on Kids in the Hall who were performing at the same venue because later that night my neighbor comes by with a bottle of wine and informs me that she has 7 pretty Colombian girls that will be staying with her until her wedding night that coming Saturday. I then tell her my fantasy of being a black rapper in a music video that sprays champagne on foreign women. She tells me that she can make that happen! I instantly pass out.
For most of the lame cities that are out there, this in itself would have been enough to shut down half of the downtown area but that's not the case for Live Music Capitol of the World. For decades Austin was this is name only; sure we'd have a ton of shows but they were all awful blues and folk acts. These days you'd be hard pressed to go a week without a top act performing at one of the 8 million venues we have here. Oh and not to mention the other 40 shows you have to choose from on any given night. With everyone and their brother moving down here, the quality of the local acts has gone up considerably, and you have your choice from every genre possible. During the greatest week ever I alone attended Phantogram and Cloud Nothings while missing out on Haim and Manchester Orchestra. I wasn't even close to being pretty enough to be at the Phantogram show but I can tell you that I wanted to impregnate someone on the spot when they played Fall in Love. And I probably would have impregnated a friend of mine after the Cloud Nothings show if Easter wasn't the next morning! The point is, the music is so good here that it actually makes men want to have children!
Also, when I woke up Saturday morning I had forgotten that this weekend was Reggae Fest. It's an awesome food drive where the cost of admission is simply bringing a few canned food items; and this grants you access to great local Reggae music, beer, and the other items you naturally associate with Reggae and dreadlocks.
If that's not enough, there's the fact that our winter only lasts for about 2 months, so this leaves plenty of time to hang out at the Barton Springs pool which is fed from our underground springs. You are sure to see naked hippies smoking herbal refreshment, banging on bongos, and dancing off beat. And if that doesn't turn you on, then you can also go down to our eclectic SOCO district which is full of oddball shops, restaurants, and hipsters. Afterwards you could see a movie while having dinner and a beer at the Austin staple The Alamo Drafthouse on Terror Tuesday or picnic on Mt Bonnell which overlooks our beautiful city. I had to cut about 20,000 words from this piece so it wouldn't run too long but you get the point. Why would you pay 8 million dollars a month to live in a cardboard box in Manhattan when you could live in the greatest city in the world where Colombian women are dropped off on your doorstep?
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