Texas Chainsaw 3D

Perhaps you also sighed in disgust when you saw that Hollywood decided to make yet another Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie. But I guess in the end it is a slasher flick with hot chicks that’s actually rated R, so why not go see it? It’s either this or sleep through Lincoln or The Hobbit again; and trust me when I say that nerdy girls don’t believe black guys when they claim to be down with dwarfs and trolls, even if they are wearing fake elf ears.

I already knew going in that there wasn’t going to be any nudity because apparently you can’t be a serious actress if you show your boobs at too young of an age but please, give me a break! Hollywood is full of hot young actresses who will show off their assets to get in a freaking Jolly Time commercial. But 90 minutes of 3D half Hungarian and half Italian Alexandra Daddario and her strikingly beautiful blue eyes was enough for me. This movie also includes Trey Songz for the ladies. Strangely enough, just a few days prior to seeing this future classic, I heard my first ever Trey Sizzle song and I have to say that he is barely a better hip hop artist than he is an actor. And since you know that acting skills are an afterthought at best in horror movies, that should give you some clue as to how good his music is. He was supposed to be Daddario’s boyfriend in this flick but every time he touched her it just seemed like her herpes was flaring up and she was in intense pain. So the hope for some steamy love scenes was immediately thrown out of the window but thankfully they added another more believable subplot to their relationship so it wasnt a total loss. 

Anyway, what’s  cool about this version is the opening scene flashes back to the original movie from 1974 and shows how the legend of Leatherface began.  We all know that one girl escaped and apparently she was able to inform the local police of what happened. Well when they come to peacefully arrest Face, the local townspeople had other ideas. The angry mob decides to burn down the house with everyone in it. Well almost everyone, as Daddario’s mother limps her way out with her newborn in her hands. One of the hicks sees her and steals the baby from the mother and decides to raise it along with his hick wife. Once the last remaining descendant of that family dies some years later, she leaves her house to Daddario who is not happy about finding out that she was adopted. So she goes back home to claim her inheritance but once she arrives, she realizes that she’s inherited more than she bargained for. 

I like this version because it’s not a stupid remake but actually a pretty well thought out sequel. Don’t get me wrong, the plot is pretty dumb but when you think about it, all true classic horror films have flimsy plots. What makes them memorable is a combination of how cool the villain is, how hot the chicks are, and how gory the killings are. And this movie nails each of those factors. They turn the gore way up in this movie and every time you think that the camera will cut away to ease the gore, it doesn’t.  And in classic horror movie fashion it has the slutty girl in Niki (Raymonde), the minority who dies (Songz),  the idiot in Niki’s boyfriend, the virgin or close enough virgin in Daddario, and what’s become the recent trend of late; the wise old kind of creepy black man who’s there to help the teenagers out in the form of the police chief Thom Barry. And as the Rise of Leslie Vernon teaches us, the virgin even runs through the birth canal (the opening in the woods) as she grows in confidence and empowers herself with a phallic symbol in the form of a knife. Do yourself and see Vernon if you haven’t.

This version of Leatherface is solid as he stays pretty true to form of the original and you’re not stuck with a stoned Matthew Mcconoughey laughing hysterically. The only real problem I had with this movie was they had some 5’3” girl holding a shotgun and shooting at Leatherface while yelling “Welcome to Texas Mf’er!”. It was an awful delivery. If Samuel Jackson has taught us anything, it is that this line belongs to the black man in the movie. We say MF’er for breakfast! I rate this movie as FRESH and suggest that you see it!