Parker

If you liked the movie Payback starring Mel Gibson or Melly as I call him; then do yourself a favor and stream it from online.  This way you can just watch it again rather than paying money to see the banal Parker which is based off of the same bad but good guy book series. I see every Jason Statham movie that is released in American theaters but even I was hesitant to give Statham’s poor excuse for a new Maybach a try. How did I know it was going to be a complete waste of time? Jennifer Lopez. A few months ago I called Kate Hudson the career killer but in reality she learned all of her awesome moves from the serpent in disguise that is J-Lo.  If you look at her history you can clearly see that she was basically the end of Bad Boy entertainment as we knew it when she was a part of the club shootout with her then boyfriend, Puff Daddy. We all really secretly thank her for that though. But I guess she figured that simply destroying a label wasn’t good enough. So she set out to destroy hip hop altogether by teaming up with the 5’2” banderillo named Ja Rule, who with his wack style had already put the initial daggers in music to make the catchy yet detestable I’m Real. Basically the antithesis of  Run DMC’s Walk This Way. Then there was the Ben Affleck relationship which was capped off by her refusing him a bachelor party so they could make the wonderful Gigli together. And no race was apparently safe as she then she spread her disease back to her Hispanic roots with poor poor Iglesias. Somehow George Clooney survived her but Statham is no Clooney. 

And this brings me back to Parker. It’s essentially the same story as Payback in that Parker (Statham) partners up with some undesirables to do a job that they get away with but when it comes time to divvy up the money, his partners have other plans in mind. Parker of course is simply satisfied with his take from the score and turns down their offer to use it as a bank roll for a bigger job, so the crew led by Melander (Chiklis) decides that he needs to die. By the way his name is pronounced chick less; haha yes I’m 12 years old. Anyway, Parker somehow escapes a shootout that takes place in a moving SUV and sets out for revenge on these thugs who live without a code. He finds out that one of the guys is connected to the Chicago mob and uses that connection to track them down before their next score. He eventually ends up in Palm Beach and through the help of local real estate agent J-Lo he finds not only where they are holed up but where their next score will be.

On the surface it sounds like any other criminal out for revenge movie and that’s the problem. Nothing seems fresh about this movie at all, especially the aging J-Lo. I get that the producers were trying to reach out to her loyal Hispanic followers along with a few big booty loving Black guys (guilty as charged) but was Eva Mendes not available? Jenny from the block still has an amazing body but man her face isn’t quite amazing anymore; and she never really could act, so why not go get a younger hotter version of her? She basically plays the role of the annoying kid in the movie. Statham is his usual cool self but they pair him up with a blond girlfriend who is simply average looking and has the body of a 12 year old; which is a bit discomforting because she gets naked all of the time in this movie. It makes you feel like you’re watching an R rated version of Moonrise Kingdom and you keep waiting for the Feds to bust down the door and arrest you for watching underage…nevermind. I don’t want to actually type it out for fear that some perv google searches that phrase and ends up on my site and then I have feds reading my awful reviews and stalking me. But hey, I could use the readers.

But back to the lecture at hand, outside of a few and I mean few cool death scenes, this movie is boring. The Chicago mob’s best henchmen that was sent to kill Statham is lame because he’s old and his weapon of choice is a pocket knife. A pocket knife??? Why not just have him throw a killer shoe at people? There’s not enough action in this movie and it’s missing the comedy element that a crazy Mel Gibson brought to Payback. 

I say skip this movie as I give it a rating of WEAK! Why? Cuz I’m Real!! The way you walk, the way you talk, the way you smile…