The Hobbit

On my way to see The Hobbit on a Friday night alone, guess who’s not getting laid tonight… this guy! Unless I was able to convince some freak who’s dressed up like an elf that I’m Lando Williams from Star Wars. I was never a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, not because I don’t like fantasy movies but because I didn’t think they were all that great. Peter Jackson did a great a great job visually with them but in the end they were just three long long long looooooooong movies with a lot of walking and gazing into hobbit male eyes. I didn’t leave the theater quoting cool lines or reenacting action scenes from those movies like I did Star Wars or even Karate Kid. I pretended I was Luke Skywalker or did that Daniel Son crane kick for like 8 months after leaving the theater. Now  I am by no means saying that Karate Kid III holds up in comparison to the third Rings movie but I am saying that at least they gave Daniel a fat red head girlfriend. This is significant because they were preparing us for what’s to come later in life. If you don’t marry an Elizabeth Shue or a young hot Japanese girl when you have the chance, you’re going to be stuck old and chasing a homely out of shape girl with a weird dude rocking a pony tail trying to kill you. 

I say all of that to say this. Peter Jackson already had to the chance to teach us life lessons and failed; so now he feels the need to torture us with three more movies about hobbits. If you absolutely love the books then this movie was made specifically for you while ignoring most normal people in the world. The first 2 hours are unbelievably boring, so much so that it took all I had to stay awake. I barely remember anything when Gandalf was trying to talk to the elves. The only thing I remember was Cate Blanchett seemingly having some daddy issues because she kept touching Gandalf in weird and inappropriate ways. And for some reason I keep wanting to spell Gandalf Gandolph as in Dolph Lundren. Who knows, had Dolph actually being cast in that role it might have kept my attention.  There was far too much set up for this rather simple story when in reality it all could have been summed up in about 30 minutes. But Jackson spent too much time giving fans of the books little treats. 

Speaking of Jackson’s missteps. I read months ago in a rather lengthy article that Petey Jack decided to film The Hobbit at 48 frames per second instead of the typical 24 fps. Not to get too technical but it’s supposed to give you a more realistic feel but instead it feels like you’re watching a soap opera on tv just like the early reports had claimed. It looks super cheesy and when he pans from side to side its distractingly blurry. 

The movie isn’t all bad. The last 40 minutes or so once the Rock Giants, goblins, and Gollum show up; the movie stars starts to pick up steam. The action is pretty cool and you actually care about what’s happening on screen. The only problem is you have to make it to this point. There is a scene in particular with the trolls that feels like a Three Stooges rip off in a horrible attempt at comedy. 

Overall  I rate this movie as really WEAK but if you’re able to sneak in the last 40 minutes of it, do so.