The Wolverine

At some point reality will set in for me and I will wake up and realize that I am not as young as I like to think I am. I can’t tell you how many times I will look at an older lady and say “hmm, she’s not bad looking for her age, if I were older I’d hit it” And then I come to the sad realization that she actually is my age or just a few years older. Maybe I should just move to Japan where it’s still cool to marry much younger women and once again all will be right in my world. Well as I was watching Wolverine, I realized that Hugh Jackman must be going through the same issues that I am. Every time he takes off his shirt, which is quite often as it is a superhero movie, you see that he is still in impeccable shape and he also hooks up with a young Japanese woman. Now I am not saying I’m in impeccable shape but I am saying that old men should not look the way Jackman does. He has to age at some point doesn’t he? He’s not REALLY Wolverine, he’s just acting!

It has been a few days since I have seen this movie and to be honest with you, I have already forgotten most of what happens in it. And no it’s not due to heavy drinking or taking copious amounts of drugs; it’s just that this was a pointless set up to the next installment of the X Men series.  In the opening scene, you see Wolverine being held captive in a well in the middle of a Japanese army camp ground during WW II. As the air raid sirens start to go off, a young Japanese soldier is freeing all of the prisoners before he commits their traditional and honorable suicide. Wolverine sees this and saves the man along with himself from being killed by the bombs in rather miraculous fashion. The young soldier grows up and becomes one of the richest and most powerful men in Japan. He then sends his samurai sword wielding assistant Yukio out to find Wolverine so that he can repay him. He wants to grant Wolverine mortality and peace in his life in exchange for his immortality. The soldier has teamed up with a mysterious doctor who has discovered a way to make this happen but the clock is ticking as the Yakuza are out to kill the soldier’s beautiful granddaughter.

Here is why the movie is pointless; who really cares??? The movie takes place after X Men III, the awful end to the trilogy that Brett Ratface (Ratner) directed and basically killed everyone in. So for over two hours you are forced to see Wolverine feel sorry for himself while feeling the need to protect some random Japanese girl from ninjas and the Yakuza. Somewhere along the way however, he lost the majority of his regeneration power so he isn’t quite the animal he used to be.

The few scenes that actually have ninjas doing ninja stuff is cool but the Yakuza are basically reduced to random faceless men who just get punked by Wolverine with ease. James Mangold of Girl, Interrupted fame directs this snoozer. Why you would get someone whose specialty is making lame dramas where Angelina Jolie doesn’t even get naked to direct your comic book movie is beyond me. But clearly he sucked at it as most of the action was pretty ho hum. There was one cool action scene on the train and another involving a fight between the Wolverine and a master ninja but for the most part the action just falls flat. Once the Silver Samurai finally shows up, you are already at the point to where you are simply begging the movie to end. He just looks stupid and for some reason a 100 pound Japanese woman is able to knock him over. Most of the acting in the movie is awful and there are some weird alliances that are formed that just don’t make any sense. I will explain a few of them in the spoiler section of this review.

Viper was an ok villain but when your movie is about mutants, it should involve a lot more cool mutant action than what is provided here. The best part of the movie was that Famke Janssen only appeared in flashback scenes and in every one of them, she is wearing a nightie that shows her cleavage. I don’t know about you but that’s exactly how I imagine her! Overall this movie is WEAK and  I suggest you read my spoilers and save yourself the $10.50.

***SPOILER ALERT***

I won’t give away too much as I am already bored writing about this movie but in the end, the Silver Samurai turns out to be the soldier that Wolverine saved. He didn’t die on his hospital bed after all  but for some reason, instead of being happy her grandfather is alive, she decides to kill him and in the process save the Wolverine. I mean, I know the Wolverine laid it down in the sack but man, choosing a one night stand over family is pretty harsh! Also, the lamest thing happens after the credits; once Wolverine decides to try and find his fellow X Men, the Ian Mckellen Magento appears out of nowhere and tells Wolverine that he needs his help. Well when Wolverine asks him why he should trust him, Professor Charles Xavier also appears out of nowhere! When asked how that was possible, Patrick Stewart smiles and says, “I told you you weren’t the only one with gifts”. Um…ok. I guess Professor X can’t even be killed by a nuclear blast. How shameless is this franchise? Just ignore the fact that the third one was even made or continue making prequels. I knew I should’ve stayed home and watched Goldeneye instead. Onatop in a nightie!!!

Only God Forgives

There are a few things that hip hop and punk music have in common, but the ones that are relevant to this post are their lack of concern for societal norms and their general disregard for being politically correct. There is a popular phrase in hip hop culture when you say something that can be perceived as gay and that phrase is “no homo”. It may not be the coolest thing in the world to say but it gets the message across. Although when you say something like “Girl you look so good, I’d suck on your daddy’s…” Notorious B.I.G., I’m not sure “no homo” can even mask that. The point of all of this is, is as I was watching Only God Forgives, I caught myself saying no homo quite a bit. There’d be a scene where Gosling is standing around looking like his normal cool self and I would catch myself thinking “Damn, dude looks pretty cool right there! No homo.” Or in the movie’s big dinner scene, he shows up with his stunningly hot hooker while rocking a pimp 3 piece suit and once again there I am thinking “Damn, dude looks pretty pimp with that fly suit. No homo!”  I was becoming so aware of my man crush that I nearly tackled my waitress and instantly motorboated her just to get back to a sense of normalcy.

The only reason why I saw this movie in the first place, was because my buddy, whose movie opinions I respect, told me that this film melted his brain because it was so good. Well, even if the movie did end up sucking, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to have my brain melted in a theater that serves beer. Speaking of the theater, I swear they normally show porn in it because it was so small and strangely intimate. Anyway, Only God Forgives once again brings together the team of Ryan Gosling and Nicolas Winding Refn who brought you the critically acclaimed 2011 surprise hit in Drive. For those of you who aren’t too familiar with Refn, he has a love for artistic excess in his films and he isn’t shy about portraying gruesome violence in them either. Well this movie is no different.

Don’t let all of my man crush examples fool you, as cool as Gosling looks at times in this movie, his character is anything but a bad ass in this film. He and his older brother are drug smugglers in Thailand and are both somehow tied to a local mixed martial arts circuit there as well. One night, Gosling’s brother rapes and beats a young hooker to death causing the local bad ass police chief to take justice in his own hands. Word of his death spreads and Gosling’s mother (played by Kristin Scott Thomas) flies in to convince Gosling to get revenge for his death. The lives of Gosling, his gang, his family’s, and that of the police chief Chang are forever changed at this point.

The reason why this movie works is because Refn allows the amazing score, the cinematography, and his filing style tell the story. Just like in Drive, Gosling barely says a word for the entire movie and there are a few memorable scenes where Refn uses the score to mute whatever conversation is taking place. There is a weird relationship that exists between Gosling, his brother, and his mother that is never fully explained but you get the sense that something unnatural was taking place. However I’ll let you see the film for yourself and have you  form your own opinion. Whatever took place has led to Gosling becoming totally submissive to whatever his mother wants and has also contributed to his many self denial scenes with his beautiful “entertainers”.  Speaking of, Refn’s use of lighting, set design, costumes, and of course impeccable casting creates this amazing fantasy world where beautiful hookers are the central figures in everything that is happening in this movie. You just have to see for yourself but it took all I had not to book a flight to Thailand the minute Gosling’s main hooker took her dress off after the infamous dinner scene.

Speaking of, this is the main reason why the movie doesn’t work in spots. Kristin Scott is almost unrecognizable as Gosling’s evil and crass mother but she just owns every scene that she’s in.  The problem I have with Gosling not talking much is that he substitutes facial expressions or mannerisms for actual dialogue and after a key explanation of the weird relationship that exists between Scott and her boys, Gosling gives this goofy head nod in response to it and you can’t help but burst out in laughter. There are additional scenes that are just as cheesy, mainly his “wanna fight” scene but overall they don’t quite over shadow everything else that goes on in this film.

Chang is probably the best character in the entire movie. All of his colleagues and every one of the locals show the most profound reverence for him; it’s almost likes his mythological, to steal a description from my friend. He is a step ahead of everyone in every scene; whether it’s during the attempted assassination, him chasing down crooks, or even his fight scene with Gosling. And he always deals out justice with his sword or whatever sharp knife like objects are around. He is the ultimate bad ass in this film.

The more this movie sits with me, the more I like it. It is definitely not your mainstream movie, so it wont be for everyone but I will give it a rating of FRESH.

The Conjuring

I never quite got the concept of inviting a girl over to “watch a movie”. I mean, I know that a quarter of the way in you’re supposed to say screw it and just start hooking up, but for some reason I don’t work that way. I actually want to watch the movie, so much so that I don’t even get up to go pee for the fear of missing something cool. What can be cooler than a pair of nice boobs you ask? Good question; but for some reason that doesn’t occur to me until after the credits are rolling and by then it’s too late! Girls more often than not just get up and leave my place really frustrated and confused. Well I figured that it was time to start a new trend, and what better way to do it than with a scary movie? I had it all planned out; I was going to wait for The Conjuring to come out on DVD and invite some little cutie over to watch it just so I could do work. But once Hollywood decided to only release R.I.P.D. and Red 2 this weekend, I was stuck with nothing else to see at the theater but James Wan’s new horror flick. And boy am I glad that I actually saw it in the theater rather than in my home because it would have ended up being another failed experiment for this poor clown..

The latest trend in the horror game is to spend 30 minutes wasting your time with pointless and boring set up while giving you fake scares with random pets or annoying kids being the real reason behind the strange noises you are hearing. Well thankfully Wan doesn’t waste any time getting right to it. He scares the hell out of you in the opening scene when he shows his demon hunters interviewing these college girls who are being haunted by an evil doll. Lucky for us the doll doesn’t talk like Chucky but it does do some pretty freaky things and it allows Wan to break out his first bag of tricks. With the exception of gore, Wan pulls from almost every sub genre that exists in the horror industry.  He starts off using Paranormal Activity tactics with subtle bangings or moderate contact in the middle of the night but then eventually graduates to exorcisms, levitation, and brutal interactions between the demons and poor Ron Livingston’s family.  He doesn’t have to rely on the score or use any real camera tricks to scare you either, there are a few scenes where he films the scene upside down but that is when he is showing you what’s happening from the character’s viewpoint.  

The basic premise of the story is, Ron Livingstone (Office Space) moves his family out to the country in a house they bought blindly from a bank auction.  And on the very first day when his young daughter discovers a left behind jack in the Box toy, weird things begin to happen. It starts off with subtle contact at first but with each random opening and slamming of a door or the possible sight of something, things start to escalate to a point to where lives are in danger. There is one particular scene where Livingston goes on the road for work, leaving his wife and children alone for the night and this is when all hell breaks loose. The scene just goes on and on and it feels like the mayhem will never end.

This is when his family decides to reach out to Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga, who investigate these matters on behalf of the Catholic church. They have a history of discovering the causes of these occurrences and even teach a class on it at the local university. The cool thing is that when they get involved, Wan decided takes it up yet another notch.  The acting in this movie is solid from everyone that is involved and you are legitimately scared throughout the entire movie. And it helps that each actor is portraying someone that actually exists or has existed in the past, so the events are loosely based off of a true story. Let’s just say that I will never play blindfolded hide and seek again under any circumstances! All you need to know is that by the end of the movie, a guy stands up in the middle of the theater and yells “I’m going to church right now!!!’

Well said sir, well said. I rate this movie as TIGHT and definitely suggest that you go see it.

Sza and Antwon

Ever since SXSW, my live music experiences have consisted of me getting hammered off of a liter of gin while stumbling over hipsters and krusties to see local grunge and punk acts. But please don’t fret as I am still on the lookout for the next big thing. Oh, and is humanly possible to see every Arum Rae show that will ever be played? How is it that I can’t get her to run off stage and have her voluntarily throw those amazing boobs in my face? I thought that a black guy wearing Rodge glasses was the new black? You remember Rodge from What’s Happening don’t you? Oh well, the day I see a cop come up to me at one of her shows without a drug sniffing dog is the day I know I’m not simply being racially profiled.

The good news for poor Arum is that one possible new obsession has come in the form of Sza. Sza is an RnB artist from Jersey who has a light voice that sounds like it’s a natural auto tuner. She sounds next of Sade at times and even looks a bit like her if you go back to the No Ordinary Love era. At other times, her music sounds like Purity Ring if they ever decided to go with a hip hop sound.  This is cool, definitely get you laid type music. Who would have ever thought that RnB mixed with bass heavy Enya could sound so good? I think that once she eventually teams up with a real producer she can’t help but take off as she definitely has the vocal chops for indie stardom. Plus lyrics like “None of my panties match, my fella hates it” in Castles, will have dudes having unprotected sex with their girlfriends in no time! Atmosphere and Ice Moon are the highlights on her 8 track mix tape, which for some reason has 3 long movie clips on it. Who is she, the female Redman? Who has the time to put obscure movies on their mix tape? Despite this minor complaint, I give her a rating of FRESH and suggest you get on this bandwagon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3OCRsSJNs8&list=PLdXiEijcRY1MVhQJNs-4PBNx_fDLrmijU

Next up is the San Jose rapper Antwon, whose biggest hit so far is the banger Still Guarded. He is a big dude that's a bit gully and sounds like he should be from one of New York’s dirty boroughs. He definitely has the image but to be honest, he is lacking in every other area. This is hipster hip hop; rap that is laid over 80’s pop beats. This is most evident in one of my favorite tracks off of the Fantasy Beds mix tape, Helicopter. Great song that probably should have been included in Ryan Gosling’s Drive; how else do you kick a guys face in but with angry black guys shouting obscenities over beats. Granted his music isn’t spectacular but I would definitely check out his show if he came to town. I give him a rating of kind of WEAK until he releases more material. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYH8kkIZdzg

What Maise Knew

I think Hollywood is finally catching on to the fact that kids really aren’t all that funny. Having kids say stupid things like “Kawabunga” or “Did I do that?” makes you want to punch them rather than hug them. I’m not condoning punching children, unless it’s Haley Joel Osment in A.I. because then it doesn’t really count as he is a robot. But I am saying that giving kids stupid catch phrases has gone by the way side in the same manner that talking animals have.  I mean, when was the last time you saw Hilary Swank in a movie? I kid Hilary, I kid but seriously she is John Elway in drag.

What Maise Knew is a story about a bitter custody battle between Julianne Moore and Steve Coogan shown through the eyes of their young daughter Maise. Moore is an over the hill rocker who still lives the lifestyle while Coogan is a businessman who puts his work above any and everything else in life. As neither of them can get past themselves and their own career aspirations, they break up and leave poor Maise in the middle of their fighting.

They are constantly trying to get back at one another and are using their daughter to do so. Coogan marries Maise’s young and beautiful nanny (Joanna Vanderham) to in part help him take care of her but also to hurt Moore. So Moore feels the need to marry a bartender (Alexander Skarsgard) for the same reasons. As the movie goes on you see that both Vanderham and Skarsgard care more for the child than her actual parents do. Moore and Coogan do love their kid at some level but its more like the love you have for a pet than anything else. They will give her their full attention the second she runs into the room but after about 2 minutes they are bored and move on to something else. It’s heartbreaking as Maise is a lovable kid who is pretty low maintenance, all she wants is for her parents to love her as much as she loves them. And it never fails, no matter how awful her parents treat her, there she is running into their arms every chance she gets.

Maise is played wonderfully by relative newcomer Onata Aprile. She simply acts like any normal 6 year old would but can bring the emotion whenever the scene calls for it. There is one particular scene early on where she attempts to have a sleep over with a friend from school but the young outsider can’t handle the party that Moore is throwing on the same night, so sadly their fun comes to an abrupt end. There are actually much worse scenes than this but I don’t want to ruin the experience for you. Moore is surely to be nominated for an Oscar as she doesn’t pull what most A listers do, and that’s to try and save her image. Her character is truly an awful person and she doesn’t sugarcoat it at all. My mom has always hated Meryl Streep because she felt she played her role in Kramer vs Kramer a little too well. Well you will also walk out hating Moore just a little bit after seeing this performance. Skargard is also wonderful in this film as he is naturally a bit awkward around Maise at first but he eventually grows into the role of an awesome father figure for her. His acting in this movie has completely changed my perception of him and I am all of a sudden a fan of his.

It feels like this movie went to a few extremes but nothing like you experience in Precious. It’s definitely tough to watch at times simply because you feel sorry for Maise and you know that there are tons of clueless parents like this in real life. But the end result is this adaptation of Henry James’s novel is done really well and that is why I give it a rating of FRESH! 

The Way, Way Back

Why do old people try and hold on to the hope that they are somehow different from everyone else? Once you get married and have kids, it’s over for you, just accept it. You either are talking about diapers, traffic routes, and daycare costs or you’re on the opposite of end of the spectrum and are a deadbeat parent who gets drunk in the corner during your kid’s recital. And that’s assuming you even show up to it at all. But Hollywood keeps giving you hope with all of these “quirky” indie films like Running with Scissors, Little Miss Sunshine, or Easy A. I know that Easy A wasn't an indie flick but her parents in it were way too cool to be real life parents. They may seem regular at first with regular people's problems but then they somehow rediscover life and do weird things like dancing on stage with their kids. We all know that never really happens, unless it's in a strip club and then this turns into a completely different discussion  Well once I saw the previews for The Way, Way Back and that they proudly displayed “From the creators of Little Miss Sunshine” I thought I was in for another misleading mess.

Thankfully this movie was anything but. Instead it’s a coming of age story that focuses on a teenager named Duncan who is about as socially refined as the disfigured kid from Mask. It helps that he looks a bit like Herman Munster and not like the hot girl in She’s All That where all she has to do is take off her glasses and she is instantly this stunning model. Instead, right off the bat you feel sorry for Duncan as his mom’s douchebag boyfriend, played rather convincingly by Steve Carell, tells him that he rates him as a 3 on a 1 to 10 scale. This is as they are on a road trip to Carell’s beach house for the summer where Duncan is also forced to deal with Carell’s bratty teenage daughter, his drunk neighbor and her weird kid with the stray eye, as well as Amanda Peete and her much older boyfriend who is trying to hold on to his youth. The only place he can escape to feel somewhat comfortable is the local water park which is run by the overgrown kid Sam Rockwell. He eventually forms a friendship with Rockwell who tries to help him come out of his shell a bit and realize that he’s better than what the db Carell thinks of him.

Rockwell is a bit over the top at times but it’s a breath of fresh air to see someone bring some charisma to the screen besides the annoyingly drunk neighbor played by Allison Janney. He actually provides the film’s best moment as he sends Duncan in to break up a dance show these kids are putting on in the middle of the water park. This is Duncan’s first time putting himself out there and the results are both hilarious and heart warming. But don’t let that fool you, this movie never gets sappy. If anything it’s a pretty grim look at what we have to look forward to as we get older. Duncan’s mom, played by Toni Collette, is in her 40’s and is a struggling single parent who is trying her best to make this relationship work despite the obvious signs that she should move on. I guess our fear of growing old alone can have us do some pretty weird stuff.

I’ve never been a big fan of Carell’s, I’ve always seen him as the yuppie middle aged Caucasian woman’s wet dream, some attractive dude who is only somewhat funny because of the weird faces and noises he makes from time to time. So the fact that he nails this role as a self centered and over bearing jackass didn’t really surprise me at all. But since that’s exactly what his character is supposed to be, I guess I have to give credit where credit is due. This movie serves as a warning to us to not fall prey to what society considers the normal path in life; otherwise you’ll find yourself in similar situations to the adults that are featured in this film.

Thankfully though there are enough funny moments in it to keep it light hearted, most of which are supplied by Sam Rockwell.  There are his interactions with his love interest Maya Rudolph, the way he clowns these bothersome kids that follow him around everywhere, and of course the scenes he has with Duncan as he shows him the ropes around the water park. I say you should check this movie out as I give it a rating of FRESH. It manages to surprise you in spots and you will definitely leave the theater feeling better than when you walked in.

Pacific Rim

As I dedicate even more time to checking out bands, seeing movies, and writing about them; I find that I am becoming more and more socially inept. Interacting with actual live people is becoming a chore. I catch myself making weird faces without any prompting and the only nice clothes I have are t shirts that make references to Eddie Murphy movies or the Cosby show! The only thing left for me to do at this point is to develop an alter ego in one those life simulation video games and start a love affair with some goth girl while cheating on my fake online wife. What I am trying to say is, I’m slowly becoming a nerd. Not that I haven’t always been one but I feel like I’m inching towards the creepy nerd zone. This is the only logical explanation for me being in the theater to see the Thursday night showing of Pacific Rim with all of the other science fiction nerds.

And I will tell you right off the bat that I absolutely loved this film and left the theater as pumped as I’ve been in years! I think the secret to Guillermo del Toro making a good film lies within him working with an awesome black actor. The Hellboy movies were watchable but that’s about it, Pan’s Labyrinth and Devil’s Backbone were both good films but you don’t really want to watch them again, Blade 2 however is pure freshness! The creativity and imagery he brought to each mutant vampire in Blade took that franchise to another level. And the cool thing is, is he never takes himself too seriously, so the actors are allowed to have fun and bring just a bit of silliness to the set.

Well thankfully for you and I del Toro teams up with the versatile Idris Elba who apparently can play any role handed to him. Elba plays the role of Stacker Pentacost, the general who is in charge of leading the attack against the Kaijus. Kaijus are giant aliens/monsters who are attacking the earth via a portal that was created from the Earth’s core. In order to kill these things before they caused massive destruction and loss of life, the world came together to create giant robots that are called Jaegers. Jaegers are so sophisticated that they require the melding of two compatible human minds to operate. As time goes on, more and more of these Kaijus are showing up and in greater numbers; so it is up to Pentacost and his team to find a way to stop them. That's pretty much all you need to know.

There are so many things that make this movie awesome that I can’t possibly write them all here but I will highlight a few. First, as Elba recruits our latest hero in Raleigh Beckett to join his team in the fight, he introduces him to the rest of the crew. His crew includes 3 Chinese Jaeger pilots who all work together in a way that brings a unique fighting method to the war. They display their talents and unnatural chemistry by playing basketball together; this of course led to me calling them the Yao Lings. Racist I know but the scene made absolutely no sense to begin with so why not add additional silliness to the experience. Then there’s the Russian team that looked like Drago and Ludmilla from Rocky 4. They don't really say much but when they do it's in thick Russian accents and it sounds like they are saying "I must break you!"And last was the introduction of Raleigh’s obligatory nemesis in the form of the cocky Chuck Hansen. He takes on the confrontational attitude of Johnny from the Karate Kid. And this even leads to a Karate Kid esque training scene in which Raleigh must find his compatible partner. Oh, and I almost forgot about the quirky scientists played by Charlie Day and some guy who I thought was Willam Dafoe for the entire movie. They are all introduced in goofy ways but that’s part of the fun of the movie. When you have robots fighting aliens, you shouldn’t take yourself too seriously. And that’s why del Toro wins with this film; anytime there isn’t any action going on he allows you to escape and  immerse yourself in the playfulness of the film.

But when there is action and trust me when I say there is plenty of it, he creates some awesome set pieces that will have you talking for days. Some directors get you lost in cgi hell and thought that was going to be the case here. But del Toro uses cgi to help bring his creativity to life in the details of the monsters and the robots. You can actually follow what’s going on in the fight scenes and he uses different mechanisms in weapons and in situations to make each scene unique and entertaining; as opposed to just having people punch each other repeatedly for an hour ala Man of Steel. The highlight for me personally came when he gave the Japanese pilot Mako a samurai sword to kill one of the Kaiju’s with.Again racist as all hell but it had me cheering in the theater!

I could go on and on about how awesome Ron Pearlman was in it, or how all of the white pilots looked alike so you really didn’t know who was doing what, or how you were having so much fun that you overlooked the cheesy acting but I won’t. I will say that this movie is for nerds, teenage boys, and for women who dragged their men with them to see the awful Pitch Perfect. I rate this movie as TIGHT and suggest that you see it immediately! 

A Hijacking

If you are a Wes Anderson fan, then you know how funny the pirate scenes were in Life Aquatic. “You will all be getting incompletes” Sadly we all can’t go raiding an island with Bill Murray to steal our loot back but thankfully none of us will ever have to deal with Jeff Goldblum and his army of gay German seamen. Well in A Hijacking, Denmark’s Tobias Lindholm gives us a very real look at what actually happens when a ship is hijacked out in the open sea.

The movie really centers around Mikkel the ship’s cook which is played by the Danish Pilou Asbaek. It starts off by letting you hear a phone conversation between him and his wife as he apparently is on his last run with the ship and cannot wait to return home to her and their young daughter. You are then taken to a business meeting back in Denmark between a Japanese group and a corporate CEO Pete Ludvigsen, where you see Pete’s shrewd negotiation skills on display. The second the meeting is over however, Peter and his protégé’ Lars get a distress call from the ship’s captain saying that they have been attacked by pirates. The entire mood on the ship has gone from light heartedness to utter terror as they are being pushed around and bullied by the Somali pirates who initially do not seem to have any particular plan or demands in place. This is until their interpreter Omar shows up.

Peter decides to hire an outside consultant to help him in the negotiations between the pirates and his company in an attempt to help get his people back alive. But in true CEO form, he goes against his consultant’s strong suggestion of them hiring an independent negotiator in favor of handling the negotiations himself. And here is where the underlying message of the movie starts to take shape. Omar initially uses Mikkel as his main communicator with the corporate office and lets him know that depending upon how they respond, this situation could be over in a week or it could take as long as a year.

Lindholm does an amazing job of showing you without being preachy or spelling it out for you, just how out of touch corporate bosses can be with the real world. Peter treats the entire situation like it’s a board room meeting and continues to negotiate the ransom price with Omar without having any clue as to what the hostages are really going through on the ship. They are stuck in hot and cramped rooms while being forced to utilize a bucket in the corner as their toilet. Lindholm also purposely slows the movie to a halt at times just to give you a sense of how this entire situation is being unnecessarily dragged out.

And psychologically you the viewer are being pulled in different directions because one moment you think the crew and their captors are bonding but in the very next scene they use that same comfort level against them to issue a very real threat to their lives. If he weren’t Danish and looked more like George Clooney, Asbaek would be a shoe in for an Oscar nomination. The transformation he undergoes from being the happy and faithful family man from the outset of the movie to basically becoming the caretaker of the crew takes it’s physical and psychological toll on him. He is almost unrecognizable as the movie progresses because he is completely broken down by the events that take place on the ship. And to his credit, Peter also starts to realize the severity of the situation as pressure mounts from within his organization, the media, and the families of the hostages. And not to mention one particularly chilling phone call between him and Omar.

Due to the story angle, the way this movie was filmed, and the strong acting in it; I give this movie a rating of FRESH. The only warning I have is, this movie acts as more of a punch to the gut and will have you leaving the theater viewing your life and your loved ones just a little bit differently.

Fun Fun Fun Fest 2013 Preview

Let me start off by saying that last year I was also disappointed when I first took a look at Fun Fun Fun Fest’s complete lineup. So much so that I spent the entire first half of my preview complaining about the fact it’s just one giant dust bowl and that Auditorium Shores is full of random delusional Native Americans who are homeless and who claim to be former great high school quarterbacks. But as I started previewing each band I began to realize just how many great acts and hidden gems were playing and I finally jumped on the bandwagon.  I’m fairly certain that when the name Girl Talk came up on my screen all I saw was red at that moment and I really couldn’t focus on any of the other bands that were listed. Well something similar happened today when M.I.A.’s name came up. Just because you’re 5’2” inches tall and flip off the camera at the Super Bowl that gives you street cred? If that’s the case why hasn’t Vern Troyer ever headlined the comedy stage? At least he bangs porn stars and doesn’t look like the Sri Lankan version of Animal the muppet. But hey, if you like her please feel free to crowd her stage so I can have easy access to real hip hop in the form of Action Bronson, Delorean, and the Death Grips. I am actually really excited about seeing the Grips again and I have previewed them on this site before.

http://onlyfreshness.blogspot.com/2012/04/so-much-fun-fun-fun-i-forgot.html

The hip hop is by far the best part of the festival this year as it also includes Big Krit and Lupe Fiasco. And yes I will include Lupe on this list even though Ghostface Killah said he saw feathers coming out of his speakers when he tried to listen to his latest album. The main problem I have is that  FFF started rumors last year that this year's festival would be the biggest year yet. And when you somehow get Run DMC to reunite well then the next logical step is an Outkast or Tribe Called Quest reunion right? No, instead we get stuck with Jurassic 5! I am sorry but psuedo intellectual and alternative Bay Area rap is weak; if it’s not Too Short, gangster, or MC Hammer pants coming out of that area then I don’t want it.

They also have Snoop Dog (Lion) headlining one night. How much did it take to book him this year, a bag of hydro and some Cheerios? Snoop’s first album was on point but since then he’s pulled the whole Rolling Stones thing; make one good song per album so you still have an excuse to tour and make money. I’d be down if he only played his No Limit Soldier album in its entirety; this way we would get guest appearances by Master P, Silk the Shocker, and Mia X. And just so you know, when you start doing sequels to your previous hits like Gin and Juice 2, it’s time to either hang it up or simply have “Diplomatic Immunity! It’s just been revoked” as the hook on that song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiXNUaSjXRY

Whoever is booking for the Black Stage is clearly living out their 1982 wet dream. Don’t get me wrong, Black Flag and Descendents were cool in their time but punk bands are a bunch angry teenagers screaming about how much they hate homework while bringing a lot of raw energy to the stage. What they are not are a bunch of 58-65 year old’s who for some reason are still screaming about how much they hate homework while barely being able to move.  I just hope for their sakes that hipsters will get really drunk and dance around with their eyes closed while these shows are going on so they can’t see how lame of a performance these guys will put on. Who knows, maybe someone will slip them some drugs and in the process reanimate their limbs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXbPlFgSfao

I’d complain about how Ice T is pretty average with the exception of New Jack Hustler and Cop Killer or  how I wasn’t even aware that MGMT still made music but I think I’ve done enough whining for one day. I am just spoiled from living in an awesome music town and I have come to expect a bit more than lazy efforts on the festival front. I am really excited to see The Walkmen, Death Grips, Deerhunter, RJD2, Ceremony, and maybe even Television. I will give a proper preview for FFF at some point, I just have to go take my Metamucil and Ben Gay like all old men do and calm down a bit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xgb6IUqboWc

The Lone Ranger

I loved watching The Lone Ranger when I was a kid, so I figured in spite of how cheesy the trailers looked and how ridiculous Johnny Depp was with that stupid bird on his head; it couldn’t be all that bad could it? How hard can it be to make a good western? All you have to do is follow the path that Young Guns, Tombstone, or any Clint Eastwood movie had set before you. Get Chris Hemsworth to play Lone Ranger, Benjamin Bratt (who’s ethnic enough) to play Tonto, Kevin Costner to play some old wise man, and have Len Wiseman direct it; mainly because that would mean the incredibly hot Kate Beckinsdale would also be in it. And just as a side note, that’s how you stay married to your wife in Hollywood; when she’s not filming a movie you get her pregnant! Then when it’s time to let mommy make a movie, you for damn sure make certain that its YOUR movie. Never take your eye off of her for a second, just ask Darren Aronofsky about that when it comes to Rachel Weisz.

Well Disney thought it would be a great idea to bring back their “money” team in Gore Verbinksi and Johnny Depp since Pirates made them 18 billion dollars. And I was ok with that until I found out he was playing the role of Tonto. In typical Depp fashion he decides to do something weird and have Tonto wear a dead bird on his head for the entire movie as opposed to a normal feather. The running joke of him feeding it was sort of funny the first time he did it, but after the 30^th time they went to that well you couldn’t see anymore because your eyes were permanently stuck in the back of your head from constantly rolling them.  And who the hell is Armie Hammer??? Why does this clown who had a bit part in Social Network deserve to play one of the biggest names in Westerns history?  At least they had the wonderful Ruth Wilson in it, who is incredible in BBC’s Luther; but even she’s reduced to a screaming damsel in distress for the entire movie.

So this tired attempt at a movie shows you how John Reid becomes the Lone Ranger after he witnesses his brother and his fellow rangers get ambushed and brutally murdered by the local psychopath Cavendish (played surprisingly well by the underrated William Fitchner). Tonto reluctantly believes that Reid may have something special in him because he was somehow able to survive the\is deadly attack himself. So he convinces him to get revenge on the evil posse by hiding his identity with a mask while going after them. That’s pretty much all you need to know as the writers attempt to add additional layers to the story but they all fall flat because they constantly change the tone of the film from dopey, to cheesy to sort of serious.

And that’s part of the problem, this movie has no idea what it wants to be. It tries to be a comedy but fails miserably at it with its lame and barely above feces jokes. Actually there was a feces joke in it now that I think about it. The Lone Ranger with his over the top and preachy morality makes him so lame that you actually root for him to die the entire movie. Oh and he’s a wimp who can’t fight; the perfect personality for a hero right? Yes, your hero should have morals but this guy is crazy whiny about it. He really should've crossed his arms and stomped his feet every time he didn't get his way.

And then there’s the whole Princess Bride story telling aspect of it. For some reason they can’t just show you the origin of the Lone Ranger, they have to have a 100 year old Johnny Depp telling some annoying kid the story with the dumb kid interrupting him every 30 minutes. That’s another issue with this crapfest; every time you think it’s finally over, you look at your watch and realize that you’re only an hour into it. By the time they break out the Ranger’s awesome theme song, you’re so over this movie that you don’t even care.

This movie is unbelievably WACK and you should definitely avoid it at all costs.

White House Down

Even though I know I shouldn’t, I am going to go ahead and give Hollywood the benefit of the doubt and say that it’s just a coincidence that we all of a sudden have two attack and destroy the White House movies while there is a black President in office. In the past it literally took the world freezing over (Day After Tomorrow), the Earth melting at its core (2012), or an alien invasion (Independence Day) for us to see the White House get taken out. And in case you didn’t pick up on it, all of these movies were directed by Roland Emmerich who just so happens to be German. I am sure that this is also purely coincidental. I’m just happy he hasn’t gone racial with it and had random scenes of the President smoking weed with strippers while eating fried chicken in his waterbed. But I can assure you that if we ever elect a Hispanic President that the plot will revolve around a global threat of destroying every ice cream truck man and maid service in America. “For the love of God, please don’t! I will give you the money you ask for!!”

The first White House under attack movie we had this year in Olympus Has Fallen was fun because it was R; so there was plenty of hard core violence and blood to keep us entertained. Emmerich’s version of White House Down is PG-13 and has plenty of explosions but only assumed violence; so they rely on pretty people and bad jokes to fill in for the lack of blood or gore. There is a slightly annoying kid who for some reason stays alive a lot longer than they normally would in real life ala Home Alone. And there is the obligatory comic relief in the form of the White House tour guide who takes his job a bit too seriously and should have the studio laugh tracks after each line he recites. However this movie isn’t all bad. They really do try and recreate Die Hard by setting up a hostage situation in a building with a ring leader who relies on mercenaries to handle his dirty work. Jason Clarke is essentially playing the role of Karl who has a forced vendetta against Channing Tatum(John McClain) once Tatum kills his best friend. The bad guys even have a metro sexual hacker who wears glasses and is way too pumped about computers. “The quarterback IS toast!” Tatum is running around in a wife beater for half of the movie and yes you guessed it; the only person he can rely on is  his black sidekick Jamie Foxx. Foxx of course is a bit cooler and slimmer than Sgt Powell was in Die Hard.

So the plot is dumb. Jamie Foxx plays the president and he is on a mission to pull all of our troops out of the Middle East in hopes to have a peace treaty signed. He is facing some heavy opposition in his own cabinet on this and one day someone who has a personal score to settle decides to set up an explosion in the Capitol building as a diversion so they can really take control of the White House and take the President hostage. Meanwhile, Channing Tatum is on security detail for the Speaker of the House but just so happens to be in the building with his daughter while he is on an interview with the Secret Service. Once all hell breaks loose, every Secret Service agent is taken out and he gets separated from his daughter; leaving him as the only person who can possibly save the President and somehow get his daughter back in the process.

To the movie’s credit, there are additional layers to the story; it’s just that Emmerich does an awful job of telling them. He treats them all as filler until he gets to his next gun battle or CGI explosion but I am actually ok with this because the action in the movie is done fairly well. It’s just that all of the characters are a bit over the top and everyone in the movie knows that it’s an Emmerich film and realizes that they don’t really need to bother with acting. So the movie comes off as pretty generic.

White House Down is the perfect example of a movie that you watch when you are too hung over to move off of your couch.  You won’t be able to change the channel while eating greasy pizza to soak up the alcohol because you will be glued to the screen but you also won’t remember a thing about what you just saw because this is as forgettable of a movie as it gets. Well, you’ll remember how much Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like the Joker but that’s about it. I rate this movie as kind of WEAK.